Destiny, Domesticity & Dirty Secrets

Being a writer requires an awkward balance of utter confidence and abject insecurity. Both necessary, neither sufficient.

— via @susanorlean

Horroscope: Ritual Resurrection

So how are you doing with your year-long resurrection project, Cancerian? Have you been taking care of the finishing touches these past few weeks? If not, do so soon. It’s high time for you to officially and definitively rise from the dead. Your wandering in the underworld is at an end. Your mourning for broken dreams should be complete. In January, the age of exploration will begin; make sure your reborn spunk is ready for action by then.

She had met him once, somewhere, and now here he was again. Hitting on her. He clearly didn’t remember her at all. And that was good enough.

— via @arjunbasu

Craving: What it means, and what it says about you →

You know I spend a lot of time thinking about want, wrestling with desire, and decoding cravings. Here’s a fun take on figuring out exactly what those food cravings mean - both in terms of your biochemistry and micronutrients you may be missing, and apparently about your personality as well.

Take this, like all things, with a grain of salt.

The Internet is so big, so powerful and pointless that for some people it is a complete substitute for life.

— Andrew Brown

Want: The definition of a happy marriage →

Warning: It’s a long, long article.

Reading about other people’s intimate relationships is incredibly voyeuristic, and simultaneously incredibly satisfying. Perhaps because I’ve decided to believe that I’m not the sort who engages in conventional relationships, perhaps because I’ve decided to adopt the maxim that I don’t relate, especially not to straight men, and perhaps because, like the author of this piece, and like some women, I see relationships as a compromise of the “me” in favour of a “we” where I may not have the power to make the final decision.

That said, I keep public records of my conquests and interactions. In some ways, writing about them, and leaving the scribblings for you to read makes them more real, and more removed. If I go into it looking for a story, and I often do, then I don’t have to actually engage with the person - just keep providing cues, and keeping records.

I’ve been thinking about this recently, partially because, despite everything I’ve said, my promise to myself to let books fill the void that I ache to fill with conversation, and that fact that dating season is over, I do still want that sense of a relationship. Of course there are things I find utterly abhorrent about it. I find the accountability stifling, I find the fact that I become increasingly passive aggressive irritating, and I dislike that it changes me until I no longer recognize myself, and loose all sense of “me” because I become “we”.

Despite myself, I went on a date. Like always, I was gregarious, agressively charming, effusive, and a little ridiculous. I bring the crazy, full on. Like all things, it’s a performance - if you can see through it, you might be worth keeping. However, if you can see through it, you probably don’t want to be kept.

Such was the case w/ the most current date. His response to the question of when he would like a second date went something like this: “Well, just so we’re clear, I don’t want to be in a relationship with you. I can’t be in one. But you’d be fun to hang out and do stuff with.”

In theory, that’s exactly want I want. Someone to hang out and do stuff with. But I’m starting to blur personally defined boundaries. It’s trippy, and it’s tripping me up. When I was offered a relationship, earlier this year, and not even a terribly involved one, I slammed the doors closed and beat a retreat so hasty that I think I left scorch marks on the earth. Yet, when I was forthrightly told I wasn’t relationship material, I found myself wanting one more that ever.

Of course, this makes perfect sense in light of my belief that the most engaging relationships, are not between two engaged people, but between three ambivalent ones. This way, one can manipulate the situation, imagining things that are not there, and ignoring ones that are - never having to be involved, and yet immersing ones self as deeply as one wishes. It all comes down to an imagined sense of power and control - which is what this article flirts with, a little bit.

I know wonderfully committed couples, and quite enjoy watching how they interact. In some ways it’s like watching an alien species. They have their own secret language, composed both of how their bodies communicate and interact with each other, and of their modifications to a common language, including but not limited to inside jokes, secret sarcasm and delicious innuendo. I miss the intimacy of having that, and yet, am not prepared to make the sacrifices required.

As per usual I want what I cannot have…and what this author decides the point of a marriage is. It is not to sate desires that one cannot sate for ones self, but to provide a sense of support, of belief, of a safe haven to trust, while one goes out into the world and stakes a claim. It is the lopsided monogamy that we know and trust. It’s messy, and complicated, and yet ridiculously desirable.

Write fearlessly, bleed on paper, post with fire. Don’t just write about what you know; write about your experience, and write with feeling.

— via @markdavidson

100 things restaurant patrons should never do

Some of you know I dabble in hospitality now and again. Most of you know I have a short temper and a mean streak deeper than it is wide. These things, combined with a general lack of patience and the fact that I am easily irritated mean I will never be a career waitperson. That said, I’ve been doing this for 5 years now, so I have some insight into the profession.

A little while ago, the NYT came out with a list in two parts, entitled 100 Things Restaurant Staffers should Never Do. It’s a silly, pretentious, rather poorly constructed list. While I can understand the reasoning behind some of the points, on the whole I think if you trust your staff to perform as civilized human beings who comprehend social propriety and adhere to the codes that govern it, you’ll be fine.

However, that isn’t the case, more often that not. On the flip side, restaurant patrons are just as bad, if not worse than restaurant staffers. Some, not all, of them exist in some noxious fog of belief that somehow makes them think that paying for a meal entitles them to a personal slave for the duration of their visit. It’s quite ridiculous, and frankly uncalled for. So here’s my list of 100 things restaurant patrons should never do, if they expect to be treated like civilized human beings upon their next visit.

1. Ignore the hostess and signage asking you to wait to be seated. If there is a sign, then there is a system. The system has been created to ensure you have the best experience possible. If you ignore it, chances are, I will ignore you.
2. Expect us to drop everything because you’re here. There are other people here too. They are just as, if not more important. They have needs and wants that we are obligated to meet in addition to yours. It doesn’t mean we love you less, it just means we’re not crazy.
3. Ignore greetings, directions, and questions. As staffers we do more than just fetch and carry food. We create a dining experience that ideally is both memorable and enjoyable. This requires communication, on our part and yours. Ignore us, and you’ve effectively crippled our ability to ensure you have a pleasant time.
4. Mumble or yell. Neither of these are conducive to communication because we can’t hear you. Please use your indoor voice, not your library voice.
5. Avoid eye contact. We’re not here to hurt you. Avoiding eye contact makes us suspicious, and overly concerned. We need to be able to gauge your reaction to your experience, so that we can make it better. Help us help you.
6. Scan the menu upon entering, decide you don’t want to eat here, and ask us to recommend another restaurant. I suggest you phone a friend, or use the technology on your smart phone to find you a new place to dine.
7. Ask your staffer questions you would ask another stranger. These include inquiries about my age, relationship status, sexual preferences, educational status, political stance, or opinion on anything other than the food. There is a power differential between us. Stay on your side. I’m not here to be your friend.
8. Ask your staffer his/her name. As noted, I’m not here to be your friend. You don’t need to know my name, because you aren’t going to remember it after you leave. Worse, you’re going to yell it across the restaurant and expect me to respond to you before everyone else, despite the fact that they may also know my name.
9. Engage your restaurant staffer in long conversation. If it’s busy, I probably have other things to do. If it’s not busy, I probably have other thigns to do. Additionally, while I have an education and opinions, I also have friends I can talk to. If you don’t like eating alone, bring a newspaper.
10. Ask for my phone number. This is where I work. I have a social life outside of here. The twain shall never meet. If you want to speak to me about the restaurant, you can come here and do so.
11. Insist I have a drink with you, while I’m working, because I’m so awesome. Not only do I not need/want you to buy me drinks. I’m at work, and this will get me fired. And no, I don’t hate my job enough to get fired for drinking while I work.
12. Invite me to have dinner with you, while I’m working. If you want to pay someone to have dinner with you, I can give you some phone numbers.
13. Tell me about your successful, eligible offspring. Even I was single, I would hate to show up to your family gatherings and be known as “the cute waitress.”
14. Offer relationship advice, based on a “feeling” you got. I may be having a bad day, but I have friends who I can get relationship or other advice from. I appreciate your concern, but it’s not appropriate, or comfortable.
15. Offer advice on how to deal with difficult customers. While I appreciate your support, I know how to do my job, and I have my own ways of dealing with things. You can express your appreciation for me and my services by tipping well, and being politely appreciative.
16. Attempt to hire me, while I’m working. If you’re serious, you can direct me to the pubic job posting so I can look at it on my own time. Attempting to poach me from my current employer at my place of work is inappropriate and very uncomfortable.
17. Barter or attempt to exchange goods and services. There are prices on the menu. As a staff member, I cannot decide to change them. If you offer me a 10% discount, it doesn’t mean I can extend my staff discount to you. That you would expect such a thing, is quite frankly, utterly ridiculous.
18. Ask if I’ll pay for your meal if you don’t like it, because I said I liked it. Not only do I not make enough money to comp your meal for you, I have no way of knowing whether or not you’ll like it. It’s unfair and really inconsiderate to ask this.
19. Name drop and expect me to be impressed or know who you are. You may be a local celebrity, but we get a lot of those here. Every-one’s money is good, your supposed street cred doesn’t impress me, and isn’t worth anything here.
20. Rearrange the furniture to your liking. We take time to set the restaurant up for your comfort. Please do not move tables and chairs around. If you need a high chair, an extra chair, or anything else, ask. It’s why we’re here. Additionally, moving furniture may result in blocking a fire route, or making it more impossible for me to do my job.
21. Join tables, or add chairs to existing tables. Most of us have a schematic of the restaurant in our heads. When you add things to existing pieces of furniture you make it hazardous for us to get around, put down plates, or otherwise reach the table. It also compromises the experience that other diners have, since they may be missing chairs from their tables. Additionally, chairs are not foot rests.
22. Switch tables without any communication whatsoever. If you don’t like where you are seated, let us know. If we can move you to a more desirable location, we will. However, other tables may be reserved, may be in process of being turned over, or may simply not be appropriate or your party. Don’t get up and move to them without telling us, especially after we’ve taken your order.
23. Ask me to change the music or the lighting. Unless you’ve booked the whole restaurant, the lighting and music will remain as they are. Someone put thought into the sound track, and the lighting. They are the way they are for a reason.
24. Sing and dance at the table. We like that you like the music. However, this is not a musical production and you are not the lead. If you enjoy performing, please order take out and do as you please behind your closed doors.
25. If you don’t ask, you don’t get. If you want something, be it napkins or water for the table, please ask. Dont’ just expect me to bring it to you. I’m not a mind reader. Your irritation because things do not magically appear, fuels my irritation with your lack of social grace.
26. Expect free refills. Nothing in life is free. If you don’t ask for it, it won’t appear. If it does appear, expect it to also appear on your bill. Don’t be surprised. This isn’t a soup kitchen.
27. Arrive by yourself to hold a table for more than 4 people. I don’t mind if it isn’t busy, but if more than 75% of your party hasn’t arrived, I have no way of knowing that they will, and that you will actually need the table I’ve given you, or if we could accommodate you at a more appropriate sized one. There are only so many larger tables, and because you’re holding one, I may have to turn other parties who are present away.
28. Forget to include children when you call in the numbers for your reservation. You didn’t forget to have children, or to bring them to the restaurant, so how did you forget to count them when making your reservation?
29. Leave your children unattended, to run amok and create mass havoc. They may be cute, but if i trip on one of them, it’s not going to be pretty for either of us. You brought them, please pay attention to where they aer at all times, and prevent them from injuring themselves, us, or the other diners.
30. Ignore your child as it howls at the table, making it impossible for me to work, and disturbing other diners. You may think ignoring them is the best Way to discipline them. While we aren’t arguing the point, we need some level of peace and quiet to function.
31. Expect us to provide childcare services. While we are here to create a wonderful dining experience for you, we don’t make enough money to provide a child minding service as well. Hire a sitter, we’ll even recommend one if you can’t find one.
32. Allow your children to grab various parts of your staffers person, because “they’re just kids, and it’s cute that he’s grabbing your ass.” Not only is it highly inappropriate, it also makes it difficult to move, and to serve you.
33. Intimidate the staff, or other diners, with your physicality, or professional accreditation. You’re great, all mighty, and omniscient. That’s awesome. Please take your self esteem issues elsewhere. People are here because they are paid to be, or because they pay to be. None of us is on staff for your therapist, and so we don’t have to deal with your issues.
34. Show up 25 minutes after the time you requested the table and expect it to still be there. I tell you, when you make the reservation that we will hold your table for 10 minutes. After that, it’s up for grabs. If you don’t think you can make it in time, you can ask for a later reservation. Additionally, you have our phone number, if you know you’re going to be late, you’re welcome to call and let us know. If we know, we will hold your table.
35. Order take out and not arrive to retrieve it. We make the food customized for your order. If you don’t show up, it goes to waste. Consider that before you decide it’s too cold, too far or too difficult for you to retrieve it.
36. Order food from one restaurant and show up at another, expect it to be ready. We haven’t figured out how to manipulate the time space continuum. If you have, please share. If you haven’t, please call the restaurant you intend to show up at, not the first number that pops up on the list you found on Google.
37. Stack plates in an effort to help. Plates break. They are incredibly heavy, and the addition of sauces adds a fun level of lubrication. There is a careful to science to stacking them for removal and each server has their own. While we appreciate the wonderful generosity and consideration, we’d appreciate a kind word and a good tip even more. Please, leave the dishes to us.
38. Tell us how to do our jobs. We’re here for a reason. There is a hiring process. We aren’t perfect, but we know what we’re doing.
39. Ask “how many people does this feed?” - we can’t truly answer that. We can give you measurements of weight, and volume, often in varying systems of measurement. If you don’t understand them, there’s nothing we can do.
40. Act outraged when you are billed for “extras, on the side” - nothing in life is free. Even the little extra things add up over time.
41. Expect free refills. This isn’t burger king. If that’s what you want, please go there.
42. Brush your hair at the table. Our washrooms are lit, some better than others. If you’re going to groom yourself, please do so far far away from where people are eating. You wouldn’t like it if they did it to you.
43. Eat 95% of a meal and send it back, because “there’s a hair in it” and expect to be comped. Chances are, it’s not from the staff.
44. Point at one thing, order another, and expect to receive what you pointed at. We’re not mind readers. We listen to you more than we look at what you’re pointing at. If you can’t get your mouth and your brain to work together, maybe you shouldn’t be here.
45. Complain that the fruit isn’t sweet, chilies aren’t hot, etc. We just serve your the raw produce. We don’t grow it. We can’t change it’s biochemical structure to suit your palate. If you’ve pioneered this technology, please, sell it to our local farmers, and we’ll buy the products and serve them to you. Until then, learn to compensate.
46. Refuse to believe that the manager, is the manager. We have nothing to gain from lying to you.
47. Threaten to file law suits because we cannot seat you at the table you want. There are reasons why we cannot do this. It’s not just because we don’t want to. More often than not, we’re not allowed to divulge these reasons. It isn’t discrimination. Really.
48. Make out, or dry hump each other at the table. Please get a room. We can direct you to one if need be. Other people are eating. Don’t put them off their food.
49. Initiate and conclude a messy break up process, at the table, and then insist on split bills. We’re not relationship counsellors, and we don’t get paid to mediate between you.
50. Ask for split bills after we’ve printed and delivered the bill. If you knew you wanted it, you should have said something. There was plenty of opportunity to do so. Think of the environment. Please.
51. Ask to split an appetizer between 7 different bills. Seriously? Think about what you’re actually doing, before you ask us to do it.
52. Bitch about the staff, to other staff. We know each other. We may not like each other, but there is a level of loyalty that exists.
53. Walk in and complain that the restaurant smells like food. We don’t know what else it should smell like. And we don’t know why you’re complaining. When you walk into a hospital, it generally smells like one, do you complain there too?
54. Read the menu, comment that you can make all of this at home, and say it’s over priced. If you’re going to do this, please pick another restaurant, or stay at home and cook. Both are excellent options.
55. Bring your own food/condiments. If you have an allergy/preference, please tell us. We’d be happy to accommodate you. You don’t have to bring your own aseptically sealed products to the table. The same applies with condiments. We make pretty much everything from scratch, so we can season it to your taste.
56. Bring in food or beverages from other restaurants. They won’t let you do it either. Try going into McDonalds and tucking into your whopper. I dare you.
57. Tell me you’re on your first date, then whip out the portable DVD player and watch a movie while you have dinner. I appreciate that we are all on very tight schedules, and packing in as much as possible is important, but this isn’t the place.
58. Insist I tell you the recipe, down to the proportion of the ingredients. Not only do I not have the answers to your questions, if I was to tell you this, I’d be fired.
59. Say you have allergies when you don’t. You can tell me you don’t like something. I will do everything I can do make sure it doesn’t end up on your plate. But if you don’t have an allergy to it, don’t say you do. It adds a level of stress we don’t want to have to deal with.
60. Don’t say you have allergies, when you do. This creates a whole different kind of stress when you go into anaphylactic shock and we don’t know why. It’s your responsibility to look after yourself. We’ll help you, but you have to tell us.
61. Provide a complete, detailed medical history. This isn’t the E.R. - I don’t need to know. Nor do I want to.
62. Ask me to substitute more than half the ingredients on a plate, just because. If you don’t like it, order something else. Or hire a personal chef to reconstruct things for you, just so. Our kitchen is busy.
63. Order the special, and then ask to substitute 50% of the ingredients. It just won’t happen. Specials and special for the reason that they exist as a whole.
64. Forget to tell us about a special occasion, and then complain because we didn’t make your special night special enough. We don’t have a copy of your schedule. Unless you’re especially nice and appreciative, we aren’t going to bend over backwards for you, if we don’t know why it’s important.
65. Assume you’re smarter than us, just because we work here. Some of us have multiple post graduate degrees. Some of us are working here to pay for them.
66. Change your offspring’s diapers at the table. This is self explanatory.
67. Wear nauseating amounts of perfume/cologne. I have to breathe to function. You may not want to smell like food after you leave, but your fellow diners may want to smell the food as they eat it. Smell is an important part of taste, don’t ruin someone else’s experience.
68. Ask if we have a complimentary fragrance dispenser for you to use, because we “can’t possibly expect you to leave smelling like the food!” Yes we can. If you don’t like it, please don’t eat here.
69. Gang up on me and insist you were right in an effort to cause emotional trauma in hopes that your meal will be comped. Not only will the staff rally behind me, you’ll look like huge jerks. And we won’t comp your meals.
70. Assume that just because I fit demonstrate the physical characteristics, I also speak and understand all dialects of the language and all culture specifics of a specific cultural group. I speak and understand the official languages spoken in the country. Do you?
71. Make and hold eye contact, unless you want something. This is the best way to get my attention, and I will come over and check on you. If you don’t want something, it wastes both our time.
72. Wave/raise your hand/whistle to get my attention. You aren’t in a classroom/bar/ brothel. Also, this increases the chances that I will ignore you.
73. Throw silverware. This should also be self explanatory. Doing this ensures I will ignore you.
74. Insist on using the bathroom, without making a purchase, because the restaurant is “here for the community.” It’s not. Try the local police station.
75. Tip poorly. Yes, we get paid to be here. No, it’s not very much. If you are truly displeased, talk to us, or our managers. And no, being from another country doesn’t make it excusable.
76. Not tip, but leave religious pamphlets with instructions about how to save my soul. I don’t have one.
77. Order take out, pay for it, and then decide you want to eat in, thereby stiffing your server on their tip. This is underhanded and makes me respect you a lot less that I would.
78. Ask me for directions to your next appointment, craft store, friends house, and then not tip me for going above and beyond, despite the fact that I hand drew you a map, wrote out directions and walked your through the process. I put time and effort into it. A little appreciation would be nice.
79. Not tip, but leave your number on the cheque in a heart shaped bubble. This does not increase the chance that I will call you. It does increase the chance that I will leave your number, in a heart shaped bubble, in sharpie, on a bathroom wall in a dirty bar.
80. Take the wrong credit card receipt. You’ve had a credit card long enough to know that you don’t keep the one you sign. If you don’t know this, you don’t deserve a credit card.
81. Take the wrong credit card receipt, and then not slow down when you know I’m chasing you across the parking lot. This makes you a jerk. Also - I can probably outrun you. I haven’t eaten a whole meal.
82. Insist on tasting all of the wines before deciding on the one you want. If you really don’t know, ask. We can make informed recommendations. If you’re being a jerk, we can tell, and we’ll bill you for it.
83. Steal place settings from the other table. If you need something, ask. This inconveniences diners at the next table. A lot. Don’t ruin their experience.
84. Try to clean up broken glass with your bare hands. We are trained to do this. We know you’re sorry. You don’t have to cut yourself to prove it. It doesn’t matter if you do this at home all the time.
85. Break things and not offer to cover part of the replacement cost. Everything costs money. We may or may not take yours. Regardless, it’s polite to offer, and we appreciate it.
86. Order one thing at a time, because you insist we’ll get the timing wrong, and then complaining about the wait time between orders. We do know how to time things. We also know how busy the kitchen is. While things may not always come out perfectly, they can come out a little faster and a little warmer than they might if we do it your way.
87. Assume you know the menu and order things that don’t exist, including combinations that we will have to build and bill you for. Reading is important. If you don’t know how to read, or what the words mean, ask. We can help you.
88. Pretend you know what you’re doing, make a fool of yourself, and then blame us. Sometimes food is new and complicated. Kudos on being adventurous. We’re happy to provide instructions for easiest and more graceful consumption.
89. Tell us how awesome our competitors are and how we’ll never be able to compare to them. If you love them so much, please just go to them directly.
90. Ask us to wrap less than 150gms of food. We love our condiments too, but 1/2 a tsp won’t do you any good.
91. Yell, be passive aggressive, or generally unfriendly if things aren’t seasoned to your liking. If you tell us, we will try to fix it. If you are civilized about it, we will try harder.
92. Mock your server, or comment on her physical appearance to make your girlfriend feel better. Your server has feelings too.
93. Expect every location of a franchise to be the same. There are always differences. Sometimes, differences make things better. be willing to be open to new experiences.
94. Tell us you’re in a hurry because you’re going to be late for a very important date, then take 30 minutes to order and complain about the speed of service. There’s only so much we can do.
95. Say everything was fine, then write snarky online reviews. Give us a chance to fix things while you’re still here. For the most part, we will try, and  we can’t try, we’ll escalate it.
96. Expect the cheque to appear. We don’t know that you’re done. Ask for it, and you’ll get it.
97. Fight over the cheque for 20 minutes to attempt to impress us with your ability to fork over large sums of cash. We don’t really care. All you’re doing is wasting our time.
98. Ask us to give you someone else’s credit card so you can cover the tab. We’d get fired for returning someone elses’ personal property to you. You can cover the tab, but we return cards directly to their owners, which makes you happy when we return yours directly to you.
99. Assume we remember you from that one time you were in here 7 months ago. We see a lot of people, and sadly, often only remember the remarkably bad ones. It’s not that you should decide be a jerk in order to be remembered. You might however want to show up more often.
100. Forget the golden rule. We don’t.

leplumeau:

Some changes are possible

sexual:

(via whoisalisonwonderland)

Speed: Less fastly fastly, more slowly slowly →

On eating, and the speed at which we produce and consume - both in reality and philosophically. It’s not new, but it’s well put. It’s also incredibly idealistic…but worth striving for.